My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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