She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
