it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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