I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize