We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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