your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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