mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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