He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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