he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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