i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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