I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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