I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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