please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
