I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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