cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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