You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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