PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
