I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
