I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
