No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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