On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
