I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
