Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
