I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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