I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
