Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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