just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
