Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
