I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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