please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
