I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
