there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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