dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
