The maid of honor just puked.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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