You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
