My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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