I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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