I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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