I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
