Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm bleeding and have questions
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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