I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
