you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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