She went from zero to smokin in five shots
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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