Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
