first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize