so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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