I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
