someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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