You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
