Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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