I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
