my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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