Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
