at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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