I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
