my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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