Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize