This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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