According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
